Funny Stories?

I totally cant think of any. Diary of the Dead was a funny horror. It has an amish deaf guy who blows people up. And thats funny

Catangel wrote:

I'm bored -_-

Anyone have any funny stories to share with the community?

I once wrote a story called Sam the Grocer that was funny. At least, it seemed funny at the time. I should see if I can find it. I probably can't... I lose stuff a lot. I think it's cause my mind is going.

I found it! I wrote this about 9 years ago or so... it's actually the first part of a much longer story, but I never finished the whole thing, and this opening was all that I originally wrote. At the time I had a great number of people requesting that I write more, so I eventually did, but I'm not posting it all here. That would take up too much space, and it probably isn't that good anyway. That's life.

Anyway, my story:

Sam The Grocer
"You will all die!" Said Sam, the town grocer, which was a terribly unexpected thing for him to say as he had just been quietly preparing Miss Rose's order when he decided to scream that phrase at the top of his lungs.
"Oh, but could you finish wrapping my ham first?" The disturbed Miss Rose asked, not quite being able to wrap her mind around the insanity of the grocer's last statement. Of course, the words trailed off as Sam jumped to the counter top and started swing the ham with a vigorous circling motion.
"I say, that is my ham! What are you . . " Miss Rose didn't get the time to finish her statement because the rabid grocer silenced her with the large piece of swinging meat.
"All will suffer my wrath!" The still quite irate grocer screamed in between bouts of insane laughter. By this time, people were beginning to notice the odd behavior and were coming close to see for themselves. One such person happened to be the shop owner who was wearing a particularly unhappy expression on his face.
"Really, Sam, is that necessary?" He asked his irate employee. "I think you are startling the other workers."
To which Sam replied. "I am god now, fear me for I shall smite the wicked." He emphasized this by hitting a spectator in the face with the large piece of ham he was still wielding. The spectator promptly fell over, no longer feeling the need to be conscious.
"Oh come off yourself Sam." The irritated shop owner said. "You are hardly god. Now put down the ham and go back to work and maybe . . " His words trailed off as he locked eyes with the deranged employee.
"You!" Sam shouted, pointing accusingly at the suddenly very frightened shop owner, who was eyeing the distance between himself and a rack of hard salami just a few feet away. "You must die if I am to rule this land of produce and other shopping land goods!"
"Um, no." The shop owner offered somewhat pathetically, decidedly unable to think of anything that might better some up his feeling of wrongness at that moment.
Sam charged him, the ham rising high above his head as he released a scream of triumph. The scream of triumph turned to one of pain when the shop owner (who will from now on be known as Tim) grabbed a long piece of hard salami from the rack and hit him in the face with it.
The irate grocer stopped for a moment, and Tim took that to mean that things were going to be ok, which was why he was so surprised when the can of green beans struck him in the back of the head.
"Die you unnatural fiend of hell!" Sam cried as he charged in with the ham again.
"Ahhh . . ." Said Tim, for lack of something better to say as the large ham smashed him into the blackness of unconsciousness.
"Yes! I have smited Tim with my sword of righteous justice." The grocer hefted his ham to show off the not-quite-so-impressive-as-it-should-be weapon. Now *I* am god of this land!" Sam pronounced, standing quite proudly over the fallen body of the bludgeoned Tim. After gloating over the fallen shop owner, Sam was on his way to the frozen produce section to recruit help for his crusade. The crowd of amused onlookers slowly dissipated, seeing that the immediate amusement was ended. They stepped carefully over the prone bodies of the three fallen people and went about their shopping.
Sam found his next compatriots in arms with little trouble and was soon hard at work talking them into joining him. He held a 20 pound frozen Butterball at eye level and spoke to it all too sincerely.
"My friend," His voice was very political. "I would have you and yours swear fealty to me in my quest to free this supermarket from the hold of the evil ones. Will you join me in my most reighteous quest?"
The frozen turkey refused to answer, as is the way of frozen turkeys. Sam was angered.
"If you will not join me, then you are against me!" With a scream of rage he tossed the turkey, hitting a man buying milk in the side of the head, which would have made the man very angry had the turkey not been twenty pounds, frozen, and moving through the air fast enough to knock him unconscious. As it was, he would be angry later when he woke up with a rather large bump on his head. The man would later swear to never shop at that market again, as he had the last time he was struck by a twenty pound frozen turkey at Tim's Supermarket.
***
John was in a rather good mood when he stepped from his car into the parking lot in front of Tim's Supermarket. Distractedly, John wondered what made it such a "Super" market, but he pushed the thought from his mind as he went about the very important errand he had been sent on. As it turns out, it was imperative that corn be served with dinner, which was much to his surprise and distaste as he didn't much like corn. However, he did like Twinkies, and he was still trying to decide whether or not anyone would notice if he just bought the Twinkies instead, when he passed through the electronic door of the shop.
The door slid closed behind him, as is the way of such things, with a quiet electronic swish, and John took a moment to marvel at the wonder that was an automatic door. Mainly because it had slid closed on his pant leg and he was stuck for a short time until someone else came through the door and freed him. With an angry gesture at the door he moved onward to fulfill his most sacred quest.
He walked down the first isle, past the fresh vegetables, past the meet shelves, past the dead or unconscious bodies littering the floor, past the condiment shelf, past . . .
"Errr . . ." John's foot stopped in mid air. He turned around and retraced his steps, past the condiment shelf, and there; dead or unconscious bodies littering the floor. He tried to remember if they had been there the last time he had been by, but he couldn't remember for sure.
Being a doctor, John was compelled to wonder if he should try and help or if he should just buy his corn and leave. He thought long and hard about it, and finally, after remembering his oath, and all the years of med school he had taken, he promptly decided to just get his corn and leave. As it would turn out, things would not be so simple.
***
Each footfall brought John nearer his goal of obtaining the canned corn, but he did not know that each footfall also brought him nearer to an unheard of peril (note: frozen meat wielding grocers, while not unheard of, are uncommon enough to be classified as such). While he walked, he distractedly watched different produce and goods fall away in his wake. He stopped abruptly when an amazing site took him completely off guard.
"I'll be damned." He said (he might not have said this had he known that certain deities, that could assure that he would be, were listening at the time). The sight in front of him was astounding. "Twinkies, two for the price of one." He said aloud, almost completely flabbergasted. Inside him a struggle was being waged between duty ("By the corn, damnit."), and something that wasn't quite duty ("Twinkies taste good, and look! They're cheap!").
Fortunately (unfortunately?) the choice would not need to be made, as fate called him in a different direction that day, fate and a loud scream from the frozen foods section. Of course, being similar to just about anyone else in the known world, the curiosity inspired by a scream was enough to drive John to take a peak into the frozen food isle.
He turned the corner and was amazed for the second time that day, but not quite in the same way as he had been the last time. While the last time had been amazing, "Yay!, this time was sort of amazing, "Oh?!" Both these are excited reactions, but the second one usually comes with a great deal of confusion, and that was John's problem.
When he first turned the corner he thought what he was witnessing was a hostage situation, but he soon realized that it was actually just one of the grocer's demonstrating a large ham to a shopper at very close range . . . upon closer consideration of the situation he decided that it was actually a third thing that had similarities with both of his other two thoughts; A man was holding a store employee hostage with a rather large ham hock pointed at the unfortunate victims head. John moved in closer to watch the scene, finding it quite interesting. Thoughts of canned corn and Twinkies were all but completely gone.
"You are a traitor to my cause, Bill of the Sliced Meats Section." Said the deranged man with the ham. "I thought you were my friend, but now you show your true colors." His voice was tinged with anger, righteous indignation. "You were to be lord of all Deli Goods, but now . . . now you are nothing." He emphasized this point by pushing the ham hard against the side of Bill's head.
"Ouch, damnit Sam!" Bill shouted in pain. "What the hell are you . . ." He didn't get a chance to finish. Sam silenced the traitor with a hard swing of ham.
This is great. Thought John to himself. He had not been so entertained in a good long time. He kept watching as the grocer began pulling frozen chickens out of the freezer and putting them into 4 rows of 6 abreast. The ham weilder, Sam, began talking to the assembled frozen chickens.
"I know you are afraid," He began dramatically. "and I know that some of you will not be returning home when this is all over, but you are fighting for the freedom of all your people." He bent over and began stroking one of the frozen chickens affectionately. "My warriors, my family, this cause is worth any sacrifice." Sam suddenly looked over his shoulder. His eyes locked John's, and in that moment John knew he had witnessed too much.
"You," Sam said sternly. "You have witnessed too much."
Damn, John thought, I knew it.
"Ah, I really didn't see too much I was just admiring these . . . uh," He reached into the freezer and pulled out the nearest item he could find. "er . . . Frozen Chicken Hearts." Oh, that's just gross. John said to himself.
"Oh, that's just gross." Sam reiterated John's thoughts for the second time. "You sick bastard." The irate grocer turned to his assembled army. "Do you see that, men, he mocks you with the frozen entrails of your ancestors. Get him!" He screamed the charge. This had very little affect on the chickens, that didn't seem in the least bothered by John's possession of such an item. As a matter of fact, they really didn't seem to be animate in any way what so ever.
***
The lack of support from his followers didn't seem to deter Sam from his course, and John had to react quickly to save himself from what seemed an imminent death (or, failing that, at least an imminent discomfort. The resourceful John did the first brilliant thing that came to mind.
"Ahhh!" He said…er…screamed, already turning to run away as fast as he could. He felt a breeze tussle the hairs of his neck as Sam wielded his destructive ham club with dangerous accuracy.
Damnit! John cursed at himself. You had to stop and watch, didn't you? He realized that this did little to really help him out of his predicament, but that would not stop him from thinking it. He had to do something. This day just couldn't get any stranger. He yelled in his mind, which was a mistake, as the gods of fate, in a great joke of humor, deemed that then would be a great time for things to get more strange than any moment John had ever experienced before.
He circled the next isle, the ham behind him coming within just inches of his head, and that was when it happened. He foot went down and hit…nothing. It just kept going down. As if this wasn't surprising enough, his other foot and body followed the first and were also surprised when they didn't touch any form of terra firma.
"Oh shit!" He cursed, adding mentally; I've fallen through the floor. Falling through the floor was not something he had intended to do when he left the house that morning, but the real surprising thing about it was that he just never seemed actually hit anything as he fell. After falling for some five minutes, John began to realize just how strange this particular fall was. It seemed that he would have to hit something eventually, but so far he had failed to do that at all. After several minutes of consideration, John determined that he was dead. Sam had hit him in the head with the ham and killed him. That, he thought, must be what happened. Oh well, Guess I might as well enjoy the fall.
***
Sam charged around the corner, his target still in sight, ready to make the kill, but he came to an abrupt stop when the person he was chasing seemed to fall through the floor. He stood looking at the ordinary looking tile floor. He reran in his head what he had just seen. The frightened coward had run around the corner, he had stepped forward, his foot came down and down and down and soon the man's body was following his foot, and then he was gone.
The confused grocer tried the seemingly solid floor with one foot. It didn't give. After considering the dilemma for a few moments he came to a conclusion.
"Shit." He spoke his conclusion. With a few shakes of his head he returned to his grocers counter, deciding that the day was already strange enough and he didn't need to add to it anymore. People disappearing into floors and a complete break down was just too much for him to take all at once.

Catangel wrote:

O.o Its gonna take me a minute to read that. And in funny stories I meant like, things that have happend with the group, IE the time we got lost for 6 hours going to lazer quest

I have no funny real life experiences... I'm sad like that.

or like the time i anally fisted skeezix on fox's couch hahahahahahahahaha, that was funny

Catangel wrote:

I sorry

It's allright, I'm made of fail so I'll move on to fail at something else. Did you know that I went to college to become a Quantum Physicist? I gave it up to have sex with a drug-addicted southern girl who later stole my PS2. That's kinda funny... maybe.

Renediw wrote:

or like the time i anally fisted skeezix on fox's couch hahahahahahahahaha, that was funny

That was funny, but I wasn't involved so it's not really MY funny story. ...did you ever get that foul smell out of your fist?

damn i have never had anything that epic in the fail regain.

i did date a fat black chick though

Renediw wrote:

damn i have never had anything that epic in the fail regain.

i did date a fat black chick though

I don't know man, that almost beats my fail. I turn my negative into a positive. When people bring up college and ask me if I went, I'm always like "Yeah, I went for a doctorate in applied quantum physics in micro computing." and they're all like, "That's amazing!" and I"m like, "Yeah, I'm fucking awesome like that. Get me a sandwich."

i likes me meat between nice bunns

Renediw wrote:

i likes me meat between nice bunns

i like sandwiches

offox wrote:

Renediw wrote:

damn i have never had anything that epic in the fail regain.

i did date a fat black chick though

I don't know man, that almost beats my fail. I turn my negative into a positive. When people bring up college and ask me if I went, I'm always like "Yeah, I went for a doctorate in applied quantum physics in micro computing." and they're all like, "That's amazing!" and I"m like, "Yeah, I'm fucking awesome like that. Get me a sandwich."

here's your sandwich sir, and a complimentary blowjob on the house.

there was that time i kissed jon, it was funny. you probably know the story of my naked sleepwalking already. there are some gamer stories, like when i frag-tagged a wretch and wilcox went to chainsaw it, or like when jon just started betraying people on halo 3

ha ha negative fucking 9 points

but anyway, heath, that may have been the most nutterific story i've ever heard. I love the language, it would probably work better as a narrated short film

balls

balls

balls?

balls balls